trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
