a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
