i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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