If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize