My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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