Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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