I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
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