At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
