I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
