im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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