i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I will pee on everything he values.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
