I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
is it fun? or sober?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
