This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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