so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
