why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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