Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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