You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm too high and old for this...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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