Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize