Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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