he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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