I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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