why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
