Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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