Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
