haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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