you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
