Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
