Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
