We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
