i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
