i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
