put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Four minutes until I can fart!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
