East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
