u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
