he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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