Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
