walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
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