that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
