Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
