Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
