At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
