i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
