are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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