If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
