Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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