the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
