I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
love makes seman taste better
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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