My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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