She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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