and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
