It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
