he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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