I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
