Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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