I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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