You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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