Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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