well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
