For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
