they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
3pm strippers are depressing
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
