also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Alive.
So much puke
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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