im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
