I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
