Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
