'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
